The Book of Tyler

FICTION

by Nico Montoya

TYLER 1

1. And this came to pass in the days of Obama of Illinois who was potentate over all the lands that stretched from California to Maine and to Florida and to Washington and to many others besides.

2. And in those days, there was a youth who was called Tyler, who was begotten of Sheila by Keith, who was the son of Jeff; and Tyler did dwell in the Greater Quad Cities Area, that region which lieth across the outgoings of north-western Illinois and south-eastern Iowa.

3. And Tyler was a strong and wild youth but he was not cunning of mind; and Tyler was unruly and he did not fear the LORD.

4. And one day Tyler’s father Keith spake unto his son saying, Go forth and afford thee a college degree that thou mightst make thy fortune as I have done.

5. So Tyler struck out from the place of his birth, and in the course of his studies he came upon a classmate by the name of Krista, who was the third daughter of Donny and Barb; and Tyler did greatly marvel at her beauty; and although they were not wed, Tyler yet knew her and they became as one flesh.

6. And in the course of five years, Tyler did graduate with a 2.72 GPA and a bachelor’s degree in Communications; and having gat his degree, Tyler did return unto the place of his birth and became a junior manager of projects for a super-regional provider of maintenance for commercial swimming pools.

7. And Krista did return likewise to labour as an actuarial assistant at the place of her birth, the town of Sacramento, which is in California; and the twain did for some time strive to maintain a long-distance relationship.

8. And each day Tyler did manage his projects sufficiently and his master did pay him sufficiently for his travails.

9. But in those times Tyler did have many debts, and thus Tyler was yet forced to return to sojourn in the house of his father Keith and his mother Sheila, that he might dwell in a small room of their basement as he sought to repay that which he owed.

10. And although Tyler was greatly ashamed of these lodgings, he did see no other way in those times.

11. But each night from that basement Tyler did call unto Krista with his iPhone 6, and professed his love and his longing for her and for the pleasures of the flesh that she might impart upon him if she were not so far away.

12. And Tyler gave praise for the blessing that was the affections of Krista, his beloved, and he swore that he would never cease from loving her.


TYLER 2

1. And it came to pass one night that Krista spake unto that youth Tyler, saying, My cogitations much trouble me and I trow that we should see other people, for in truth I am become dissatisfied in the great distance betwixt us.

2. And Tyler was loath to part ways and did object vehemently and he did cry out in a loud voice and wept, but Krista was yet implacable despite his pleas and his distress.

3. And in the passage of time, Tyler determined that he should seek out a new helpmate that he might take her into his bed and look upon her nakedness and know her, and in this way be rid of the longing for Krista that did torment him each day and each night.

4. And so Tyler downloaded onto his iPhone 6 three dating apps; and Tyler did thrice fashion goodly dating profiles, for Tyler was a photogenic youth.

5. And in this way Tyler began to swipe to the left and to the right; and so Tyler came to match with several comely maidens in his pre-set dating radius of fifteen miles.


TYLER 3

1. And one among these matches was a woman called Crystal, and her name did call to remembrance the name of Krista, for many things did make him to think of Krista in those days.

2. But Crystal was not in possession of a college degree nor was she an actuarial assistant, but was rather a cutter and a dyer of hair.

3. And Tyler did send to Crystal a DM and it said, I am become listed with thee and with thy beauty, Crystal; and with a semicolon and an end parenthesis Tyler did make the likeness of a winking visage.

4. And Crystal did reply the next night likewise with a winking visage rendered in this same way and did beseech Tyler to tell her beneath which stars was he born.

5. And in this way they did proffer messages for one another for seven days and seven nights, and Tyler’s loins waxed heavier with desire for Crystal, though he did still list for Krista privily in his heart.


TYLER 4

1. And on the seventh day, Tyler did say unto Crystal, Let us meet for drink that we might see one another and hear each of us the other’s voice and so speak in our way.

2. And Crystal did assent, and they did determine upon a time and place for meeting seven days hence.

3. And when the day came for them to meet, Tyler did array himself in his most stately garments and being ashamed of his own aged Kia did borrow the Mercedes of his father Keith.

4. And Tyler did muster out to meet Crystal at a cocktail bar with 4.2 stars on Yelp, that mobile application which revieweth places for the taking of meat and drink.

5. And Tyler did stand without at the agreed time and did wait for seven minutes for her approach, and he did occupy himself with matters on his phone as he tarried, but she was yet not there and he became vexed.

6. And upon the seventh minute, Tyler did remit a text unto Crystal and in his message did require whether they were still on for that night.

7. And seven minutes later she did reply that she runneth a little behind, but shall surely be there another seven minutes hence, or so sayeth Google Maps, that mobile application which divineth those routes best for travel.

8. And Tyler did wander about and think upon how Krista would never have made him to wait upon her in this way, nor would she forebear so long to advertise him of her delay, nor would she advertise him thusly with no justification; and Tyler became all the more vexed.

9. But in time Crystal did arrive, and Tyler did espy her from afar, and she did look to him comely as she approached from her spot in the parking lot; and she was clad in high heels and miniskirt; and so Tyler forgot his choler in the face of such beauty.

10. But as Crystal drew nigh, Tyler could see beneath the dyes and powders which covered her that she was more marked by time than at first she had seemed, and that the tanned skin of her thin arms did droop somewhat as so too did her bosom.

11. And though Tyler did at that time begin to suspect that Crystal had been deceitful with him about the count of her years, and that peradventure she was even well advanced into her thirties, he rehearsed himself that he sought naught too serious, and that Crystal did yet verily possess a beguiling body.

12. And thus Tyler did embrace Crystal and said unto her, I am much pleased that thou shouldst become mine acquaintance, and I am besotted with thee more so now than I was ere we laid eyes upon one another; come, let us go within and take drink.


TYLER 5

1. And so Tyler and Crystal did enter into the hall and took drink; and as Tyler became filled with drunkenness, so too did Crystal become the more lusty and delightsome to him; and all thoughts of Krista were banished from his heart.

2. And in time the shining lips of Crystal seemed to Tyler sweet as figs or dates, and he longed to kiss them and to take her wholly into his bed that he might sport with her.

3. But, as the evening continued and the night came, it came to pass that Crystal did rise up from her chair and stumble away, in order that she might seek the ladies’ restroom; and so in her absence Tyler did look upon his iPhone 6, and upon his phone were many a notification, and among these was a notification of a text from Krista, his beloved.

4. And Tyler did read this text, and it did say, Tyler, my heart groweth troubled as I think of thee and of us; let us speak to one another this night, for I fear that I have committed grave error in my judgment of thee.

5. And Tyler looked upon this message, and his countenance was stern and his heart was troubled; but he did leave Krista on read and returned the phone to his pocket and assayed not to think of it a moment longer, for Crystal was then returning to him from the restroom.

6. And Crystal did speak to him upon her return saying, Let us make payment for these drinks that we might leave this loud and noisome place and go to another that we shall find to be more familiar, for I long to hear thy voice more clearly.

7. And Crystal did touch Tyler upon the elbow as she said these things, and she looked into his eyes sweetly all the while.

8. And while Tyler pondered his reply to this exhortation, he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket, and he wist in his heart that it be yet another message from Krista.

9. So he said unto Crystal, I am in agreement with thy words; but first, I pray thee give me briefly thy leave, that I too might seek the restroom, for I have consumed much drink.

10. And Tyler did stand and stumble toward the back of the hall until he stood thither before a urinal, and as he directed his stream with his right hand, he unlocked his phone with his left; and looking upon it in his drunkenness, he saw that the vibration that he had earlier felt was indeed brought forth by another message from Krista, his beloved.

11. And the message from Krista did say, I beg of thee, Tyler, ignore me no longer, but grant mercy and forgiveness and suffer me but seven minutes this night to speak with thee; couldst thou not but grant me this one request? Do I yet mean so little to thee now?

12. And Tyler was distressed and did bespatter himself somewhat with his stream as he made reply to Krista, saying, I am occupied this evening in the company of another woman whom hath just now invited me to seek with her a place more familiar, that I might gaze upon her nakedness and that we might know one another; be thou gone now from my life and seek me no longer.

13. And Krista did reply to him saying, Speak to me not of thy harlots, for it pangs me so; I list not to hear of them nor do I care what thou dost or hast done, for it is no longer my rightful place; but please do grant me my request tomorrow come morning if thou art thus occupied tonight; I have loved thee and I do love thee still and I would speak with thee if thou wouldst suffer me but this one importunity.

14. And Tyler did return his phone to his pocket once more and did shake the last remaining drops from himself, and upon seeing how he had bespattered his breeches, he did curse the LORD and dashed his fist mightily against the wall.

15. But Tyler was yet determined not to let Krista continue to trouble him, and so he assayed to dry his garments with the electric hand drier, and he did then return unto the table where Crystal awaited him; and he did place seventy and seven dollars upon it.

16. And Crystal did look lustily upon him again and spake to him saying, Tell me this, youth: to whose house shall we return this night, mine or thine?

17. And Tyler, who had not been truthful with Crystal concerning his sojourn in the house of his father Keith and his mother Sheila, belied her saying, My penthouse hath many a workman there who remodeleth my kitchen, and it is thus unfit for visitors at this time; let us therefore go forthwith to thine own home that thou mightst shew me the place where thou sleepest.


TYLER 6

1. And so the twain did go afoot out into the parking lot, and Crystal did betext unto Tyler her home address, and did kiss him upon the lips and her breath did smell of honey and of drink, and she did grab him by the left buttock and spake unto him again saying, Take thee not too long in thy drive, for I am filled with desire.

2. And Crystal did then spank her hand against the left buttock of Tyler which she had been clutching, and gat herself into her car and drove away;

3. And though Tyler was yet much filled with drunkenness, he likewise gat himself into the Mercedes of his father Keith which he had borrowed, and he did turn the key in the ignition, and hitherto shifting the car into reverse, he looked down and saw that his flesh was yet somewhat firm with lust, but not fully.

4. At this moment, his phone began again to vibrate, and on this occasion the vibration did not quickly cease, for instead of a text it was a call, and that call was from Krista.

5. But Tyler did reject that call and he did also block the number of Krista, that she might no longer disturb his lustful thoughts and doings, and he did then put the Mercedes of his father Keith into reverse and pulled it out onto the road and did almost strike with it a lone traveller who straightaway called out in a loud voice and cursed at him.

6. But in time Tyler did arrive at the home of Crystal; and Crystal’s house was a small prefab with a driveway of gravel, and her lamps were lit, and she stood in the doorway beneath a light with many moths and other insects compassing round, and she called out for him to come to her.

7. But ere Tyler did step out of his father’s car, he looked again upon his phone, and he saw that there was a notification from Instagram, that mobile application which displayeth many likenesses; and the notification was a DM from Krista, his beloved, and the message did say, Tyler, why hast thou blocked my phone number? Please call me back, please do this thing not unto me.

8. And Tyler cursed softly to himself, saying that Krista was a fucking psycho bitch, and he turned off his phone and did go apace unto Crystal in her doorway, and took her into his arms, and he kissed her upon the neck and pressed her bodily against the door while she did rub her loins against his thigh and breathed heavily into his ear, and her breath did smell still of honey and of drink.

9. And Tyler did soon forget again about Krista, his beloved.


TYLER 7

1. And Crystal did leap into the arms of Tyler and wrap her legs about him, and in this manner he did open her door and carried her into her own house, and they entered her small living room.

2. And he saw strewn about the carpet many playthings such as children are wont to have, and upon the walls were many likenesses of Crystal with two girl children; and Tyler was disquieted.

3. And so Tyler spake unto Crystal saying, Thou didst tell me not that thou hast offspring.

4. And Crystal did make reply saying, Trouble thyself not, for they are away with their father on this night and shall not return until three days hence.

5. And Tyler did assay to count in his mind how many years aged Crystal must be if she be mother to such daughters, but he was yet not able to handle such figures and estimations in his drunkenness and with Crystal’s aged tongue in his ear.

6. So Tyler did cast away his fears and judgments and did beseech Crystal to shew him to her bed, and she took him by the hand and led him to that place.

7. And they did discover themselves from their garments and looked upon one another’s nakedness and were well pleased; and although Tyler did take no pleasure in the marks upon the belly of Crystal which she had wrought in the birthing of her two children, he was well pleased by the shapeliness of her paps; and so he did fall together with her upon the bed and began to lay with her and to dandle her.

8. But in his drunkenness Tyler was unable to know Crystal fully, and though his heart was bursting with desire, he could not issue his seed nor long sustain the firmness of his loins; likewise, he was not able to bring Crystal to find her own pleasure and she soon became dry and tired and said unto him, Let us take our rest and peradventure we shall find pleasure with one another in the morning.

9. And with this Crystal slid beneath the linen and shut her eyes and began to sleep; and being ashamed at his failure to bring pleasure to himself or to Crystal and likewise being vexed by her soft snoring, Tyler found himself not to be able to sleep, and so he began to toss and to turn in the darkness.


TYLER 8

1. And so Tyler did after several restless hours seek distraction, that he might take his mind away from these things; and thus did he again turn on his phone; and he did find upon it many another notification from Instagram, each heralding a message from Krista, his beloved.

2. And the notifications were many, such that Tyler could not verily read them all, but he prevailed to scroll and seemed to find no end to his scrolling.

3. So Tyler did unblock the number of Krista and betexted her saying, Woman, harass me no longer, for I shall call thee later this morning.

4. And Tyler did expect no reply at that time, for it was late; howbeit Krista did reply quickly saying, I thank thee, and I love thee, and I repent to thee for my madness, for it was not fair and just to thee to send such a great bounty of messages, and I do verily hope thou didst have a right and pleasing evening with thy mistress.

5. And Tyler became wroth, for Krista was privy always of how to say things such that he might become cumbered, and so Tyler did begin to reply in anger, but he soon calmed himself sufficiently that he delete his message ere he could send it.

6. And Tyler did then for some time assay to distract his troubled mind with the many pleasures of his iPhone 6, but he could find no pleasure in these, for he could not long cease to think upon Krista and what she had said unto him.

7. And so he determined anon that he must depart the house of Crystal, the cutter and dyer of hair, and return to his own bed that he might find sleep; so Tyler stood to dress himself and in doing so did see that he was yet filled with drunkenness.

8. Howbeit he soon girded up his loins and robed himself and quietly he made his way out of that house and back into the Mercedes of his father Keith, just as the sun was beginning to rise; and then in his drunkenness he began to drive.


TYLER 9

1. And whilst Tyler drove to the house of his father and mother, he did make use of the hands-free Bluetooth setting of his phone for to return the call of Krista; and she did give him answer upon the first ring, and she said unto Tyler, I love thee, and I repent that I have been filled with such madness, but it is only for love of thee.

2. And Tyler made reply saying, Krista, what wantst thou? I comprehend thee not.

3. And Krista said, Dost thou call me from thy car? For thy voice soundeth far away and I understand thee hardly.

4. And Tyler spake louder, saying, Indeed, I am in the Mercedes of my father Keith; canst thou hear me now the better?

5. And Krista said, Alas, I hear thee only a little, but perhaps thou couldst call me back when thou art safely arrived wheresoever thou goest?

6. And Tyler did reply in a loud voice, saying, Perhaps thou couldst speak thy piece now and I shall place myself on mute, for it seemeth thou hath much to say.

7. And Tyler did then bemute his phone and Krista, his beloved, did begin to speak to him of her doleful regret; and she was pricked in her reins and her voice became more grieved; and the sun continued to rise; and whilst Krista did cry out, Tyler received a text message from Crystal saying, Thou didst leave thy wallet by my bedside.

8. And Tyler in his drunkenness was filled with vexation and did adventure an illegal U-turn that he might return to fetch his belongings from the house of Crystal.

9. And as he began to turn, an officer of the law did flash her lights, and Tyler did curse the LORD and his heart began to tremble; and he did goad the Mercedes of his father Keith to the side of the road as Krista continued to give voice to the feelings in her own trembling heart, yet not knowing what troubles had befallen her beloved.

10. And as the officer did park behind, Krista did continue to speak, and Tyler did feel meek as a lamb.


TYLER 10

1. And as the officer walked nigh, Tyler saw in his side mirror that she was beautiful, but also that her breeches were unshapely, as oft is the way with female officers of the law; and as she bent forth to speak to Tyler, he saw that she possessed a nametag and upon her nametag was the name of Christie, and that name did call to remembrance the name of Krista, his beloved, who yet cried out to him from his phone.

2. And Officer Christie spake to Tyler saying, Dost thou know wherefore thou wert pulled over?

3. And like his phone, so too Tyler found himself to be muted likewise; and in his silence Officer Christie could hear Krista from the hands-free Bluetooth as she continued to wail and to beat her breast.

4. And Officer Christie spake again saying, Dost thou need a minute to end thy call?

5. And a tear fell from the eye of Tyler and he was no longer mute and he thanked Officer Christie and he did say that he would be quick; and Officer Christie did say that whilst he did so, she needeth only run his license and registration.

6. And then Tyler began to weep fully and did say, Woe, woe, woe, I have not my license, for it lieth within the folds of my wallet which I have forgotten at the home of the lover whom I have just left, which is not three minutes from this place; and this is the reason for which I did turn my car about in the middle of the road.

7. And Officer Christie said, By what name is thy paramour known?

8. And Tyler said, She is called Crystal.

9. And Officer Christie did gaze upon the phone of Tyler saying, Is that Crystal who crieth out to thee?

10. And Tyler made reply, saying, Nay, this is Krista, with whom I was once as one flesh, but who did cleave herself from me, and who now rightly regretteth her action.

11. And Officer Christie did look upon Tyler with surmisings as he spake these names that were so much likened to her own; and she did ask Tyler if he had taken much drink, and Tyler did verily say that he had not touched drink in many hours, and Officer Christie did beckon Tyler to step out of the vehicle.

12. And all the while Krista continued to cry out to Tyler through the Bluetooth, unawares that her beloved was no longer listening nor what peril was at hand for him; and all the while the dayspring from on high visited him and the dawn became morning.


TYLER 11

1. And in the passage of time Officer Christie did breathalyse Tyler and did task him with many field sobriety trials, but though Tyler was yet clearly filled with drunkenness, the breathalyser was found to be broken and he did pass his many tests.

2. And Officer Christie did call out from her radio for another officer to bring her a breathalyser that would yet work in the proper way; and she stayed him and made him to sit in the back of the squad car for a long time.

3. By this time, Krista had wist of Tyler’s absence and had thus ended her call, betexting him with grave concern, saying to him that she prayeth to the LORD her God that Tyler had not perished in a collision.

4. Likewise, Crystal too did betext him, saying that she had placed the wallet in her mailbox ere leaving her home for the place where she would cut and dye hair, as was her profession.

5. And so too did his father Keith betext him, asking where sitteth his Mercedes, for he needeth it that he might drive it to the place of his labours.

6. But Tyler could see none of these texts as he expected the arrival of the second officer in the back seat of the car of Officer Christie whilst his phone remained in the Mercedes of his father Keith.

7. And the firmament shone blue and bright and the grass was wet with dew and the birds of the air sang out in their sweet voices; and Tyler, who was not a godly man, began to pray.

8. And the LORD who heareth all things did hear the cries of Tyler, and He did come down to him in the form of the two-way radio in the squad car; and he spake unto Tyler saying, Tyler, Tyler. And Tyler abased himself before the LORD and said, Here I am, O LORD.

9. And the LORD did upbraid Tyler saying, Thou hast lived foolishly and cursed my name in vain; thou hast been a brutish and feebleminded churl; thou has been wanton and vile, lewd and reprobate; thou hast been overcharged with surfeiting and drunkenness and chambering; why should I shew thee my favour?

10. And Tyler was contrite and bewailed saying, I have, my LORD, forgive me; I have sought the pleasures of the flesh and not the path of righteousness; I see now the error of my ways.

11. And Tyler was filled with fear and trembling, and the LORD said, Tyler, if I release thee from thy bonds, wilt thou go forth and live a life of righteousness? For I would have thee bring forth many offspring into the world.

12. And Tyler was contrite and said, Yes, LORD, I shall; I swear this oath to Thee; I shall foreswear my wicked ways.

13. And the LORD did say no more at that time, and the birds of the sky did then cease to sing, and the firmament became clouded and lowring.

14. And a bolt of lightning did flash across the heavens and did strike the squad car, smiting Officer Christie where she sat; and the doors did unlock and Tyler was expelled out onto the street without so much as a singed hair upon his head.


TYLER 12

1. And the heavens did then part, and the firmament became blue as it had been hitherto, and the birds began to sing once more; and Tyler returned to the Mercedes of his father Keith and did read his text messages.

2. And by and by Tyler did retrieve his wallet from the mailbox of Crystal and he did return the Mercedes to his father, Keith.

3. And he did put his evildoing ways behind him and did not see Crystal or Krista ever again, nor did he speak with them; and he kept his oath and lived as a righteous man from that day forth.

4. And in the passage of time he did find a home away from his father and his mother and he took a wife called Stephanie and she bore him a son, and they called his name Aiden; and this was in the days that Biden of Pennsylvania was potentate over those lands.